You Sir, Are a JACKASS

You sir (or Madame) are a jackass

(part one)

1. If you go on a talk show & brag about your illegal activities & wonder why the cops showed up at your house: You sir, are a jackass!
2. If you try to beat that red light, miss it and get t-boned by a semi: You sir, are a jackass!
3. If you pour rubbing alcohol on your body, light it up & get burned: You sir, are a jackass!
4. If you take nudie pics of your privates or your "junk" & you get hacked and act all surprised: You sir, are a jackass!
5. If you are walking & texting and are shocked when someone calls you every name in the book for being a douchebag,  You sir, are a jackass!
6. If you post your shit all over Facebook & are then surprised when someone nails your lying ass for your stupidity of thinking nobody would find OUT: You sir, are a jackass!
7. If you're on an airplane & kick the seat in front of you then act all surprised when that same person uses all their body weight & strength to slam that seat backwards into your knee: You sir, are a jackass! 
8. If you have sex without protection & are then shocked when someone gets knocked up, You sir, are a jackass! 
9. If you  put yourself on reality TV, slapping & talking smack about other people and act shocked when they talk the same right back at you: You sir, are a jackass! 
10. If you doubt the things I say are true or better yet call me a liar, you bitch need to get to steppin cuz I'm gonna put a 6" steel stiletto up your ASS in 3, 2, NOW 

 

Did you somehow DOUBT I ACTUALLY

had said shoes to shove up your ass?

I thought so!

 

20 Little-Known Facts About Me

TWENTY little known facts about me...

 

Me at age 4 (1966)

 

1. I was born and raised on an old asparagus farm that my grandfather and father built & the concrete for the Brooklyn Bridge was made and transported on an old train track behind my house. It was the largest asparagus farm on the east coast! If you ate asparagus up until about 1959, you got it from our farm.
2. Started ballet at age 4 & remember my black leotard, pink tights & little pink ballet shoes like it was yesterday. I started tap not too long after that & still remember the first steps I was taught & can picture it like it was yesterday. Classes were at Tillson Elementary school at that time & it was great!
3. Began taking Judo when I was 10, got my black belt and won the Gold Medal in the Jr. Nationals & Bronze medal in the Jr. Olympics, with girls much older than me. 
4. Did the same with swimming...but got a gold, silver & bronze in the Jr. Olympics: my specialty was the butterfly stroke!
5. Started Schuplattling  (think Oktoberfest) at age 8, was fluent in German most of my life and can still read it. I even read the Book of Mormon (when I was LDS) in German
6. Was the tallest girl next to Linda Mandic (heck tallest anyone) in Elementary School.
7.  Ride a 700 lb motorcycle back brace and all
8.  I LOVE to cook! I make my own pasta & gravy from scratch and I can even make SUSHI
9.  he first role I ever played was as a snowflake as a kindergartener in the school winter program with all my little girlfriends
10.  I lost my hearing due to severe ear infections starting as a child and bottoming out in my 20's. I consider sign equivalent to English as my first language.
11.  I was a professor at NYU of ASL for a few years in NYC.
12.  I have 2 PhD's considering my high school teachers & guidance counselor said i was 'stupid' I think I'd kind of wanna ask THEIR IQ at this point! (all after a G E D!)
13.  I still hold the record for the highest score on the NYS GED test...a 99. Then again, I took it the DAY after the last day of school... so not that much of an accomplishment compared to those like my aunt, who hadn't been in school in about 15 years or more.
14. Started my BA 2 months shy of turning 30 (January 1992) & finished in one year - 4 quarters!
15. I attended the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in NYC.
16. I've traveled A LOT- RV x the US 4 x (including all of Canada), Rio, Mexico, all over - usually by myself. One summer I travelled 9 THOUSAND miles in 3 months, hitting every state in the lower 48 and every province of Canada, in a 1972 Pace Arrow.
17. My dream was to be on Broadway
18. Have experienced some very interesting things I'd never want to experience again but they were fun then....
19.  I'm ambidextrous
20.  I have played the following instruments: Guitar, clarinet, French horn, trombone, trumpet, violin, 2 level organ & a few more I have an electric piano but have never taken lessons and can't play it because only with piano am I terribly uncoordinated with my left hand.

Grandma Delora sitting on my motorcycle

 

 Me Schupplattling sometime in the 2000's

 An article about a play I was in locally when I was about 18-19

Tillson Elementary School - my old alma mater - I LOVED this place

Winter? In Upstate NY? Really? No SHIT SHERLOCK! Buy a shovel & some salt!

It's WINTER and they're predicting more SNOW?

Oh my GOD let me lay down & hibernate because I NEVER EXPECTED THIS

living in Upstate New York! Oh SHUT up or move to Arizona!

 

 

This is how we rolled in the old days in Tillson!

Yes, a real fur coat & muff, while sitting on a bear skin blanket

on our horse drawn sled (that you see in the Budweiser ads)

 

 

This shit NEVER ceases to amaze me:

 

  

1. They're predicting a snowstorm again tomorrow night. I know what the HELL are they thinking! By this time last year we were over 7 FEET under snow! My entire van was covered & I couldn't see it - period. This year is like SPRING - suck it up!
2. It's winter - in northern NYS, why on EARTH does everyone rush to the store to get shovels and salt? Unless you've just moved here from California or Florida & have never seen snow - this is some stone age bullshit! Buy this crap before the snow you idiots!
3. Stop your pissing bitching and moaning about it. Suck it up.
4. Well that's how you would THINK people who live here actually do think. There's a forecast for snow OR it's actually falling and it never fails that these yahoos are piling into the stores for milk & bread (seriously you don't just keep that stuff in your house?) and shovels and salt. Ummm you LIVE in upsta...te NY - you seriously don't have a fucking SHOVEL or SALT? Unless this is your first winter living here from AZ, CA or some other place where you don't know what snow IS, this is mindboggling!
5. I get a nice big bag of salt early in the season, most of which stays in the bag in the back of the car (for extra weight in ice or to save some poor person out there who isn't lucky enough - or smart enough - to drive a 4x4 like me - out of a mess they've accidentally gotten into out there) & I have a large coffee can filled with the stuff by my front door along with - wait for it - a SHOVEL! I know - smack your head on that one right? A shovel go figure! THEN these yahoos who lived up here most of their lives - drive like IDIOTS in the stuff!
6. If you are going 20mph and/or braking upon every turn that is on the road - you are JUST as dangerous as the douche trying to go 55 in it. One of you is going to wrap your ass around a tree & probably going to take me with you! Folks I know it's a shocker but this is not the first nor will it be the last winter or snow we will have up here - get your heads out of your asses & prepare for it. Calgon take me away!
7.  When it's cold and/or snowing, people piss, bitch & moan about it. These are the SAME people who are doing the SAME THING when it's hot in the summer! When it's 80 in the winter and 30 in the summer, THEN BITCH you dumbasses - it's called the Seasons - get used to it or move to Arizona where they don't have any! GOOD GOD!
8. If you see someone out there stuck in this crap & you have a 4WD vehicle, stop & help them or at least wait for them if you can. Give them a ride somewhere. Are you truly in that much of a hurry that you can't? No, you're not.
9. Unless you're a nurse, doctor, cop or fireman (etc.) who must be somewhere because you're saving lives for a living, DON'T venture out in this stuff - it's stupid & you're putting your own life as well as everyone else on the road's life, in danger. Stay put, view the beauty of the snow from inside your home. 
10. If you have children, grandchildren, or you yourself are physically able (I'm not & I miss doing this) get outside, make a snowman, a snow angel, have a snowball fight, whip it out and piss in the snow (for the guys, if you're a girl & you can do it you are far more talented than most), pull out a board game or some cards & play some fantastic games together, read a BOOK (it's a bunch of papers with typing on it bound between thicker pages), watch an old movie, play charades or have a good old fashioned family dinner with conversation (I know that last one is a stretch) but DO SOMETHING to enjoy the day and don't bitch about it!!

 
 And we had several snow mobiles that we used in winter in the 60s/70's
because we had enough snow to ride them daily & did errands for the
neighborhood to the store in them! Yes indeed!

**************

10 Random Thoughts: Scary But True Shit

10 Random Thoughts

 

There will be lots of days where I do exactly this & merely type out random

thoughts that pass through the holes in my mind that have been in

the news, on TV, or that I've observed SOMEWHERE! 

 

If I've taken the time to type them out for your daily enjoyment, PLEASE comment

below & let me know how you're enjoying it. I'd also love to hear some

suggestions or ideas on topics (hot or not) that you'd like me to take on.

Remember: I only address with a sick ass sense of humor, sarcasm

(humor's ugly step sister) & with a (generally) light hearted point of view.

I'm not out to be political in any way or to intentionally hurt someone.

HOWEVER: while opinions are like assholes; everybody has one,

this blog is MY opinion and ONLY my opinion (for what it's worth)

and of course, for SHITS AND GIGGLES!

Alrighty then, on to our regularly scheduled program.

1. The Ku Klux Klan: if you dumbass, nasty pig, douchebag racists were SO PROUD of what you stand for, what you do and how you think, then WHY THE FUCKING HOODS?? So nobody can recognize your pussy asses & hang YOU from a fucking tree?
2. Momma June of Honey Boo Boo has a boyfriend and Charles Manson has a wife - why in all natural fuck can't I even get a DATE? Food for thought huh?
3.  Spelling & grammar: You "millenials" who know nothing of a dictionary, thesaurus or Encyclopedia Britannica. You, who's phone, iPad & computer will put a squiggly red line under misspelled words or even correct your shitty spelling AND that you have spell correct on these devices? Basically what I'm saying is: if you are misspelling shit all the time you are basically a fucking MORON!
4. They, their, they're: if you don't know the difference between these by the age of 15 you are going to be a MISERABLE FAILURE IN LIFE trust me!
5. Kotex & Maxi-pad advertisements: are these TRULY NECESSARY? I mean all HELLS BELLS - women have gotten their periods since the dawn of time, get it monthly like clockwork (usually) and know EXACTLY what we need to use for it. WHY then, are these advertisements necessary to TELL us what is out there for something that is part of our daily lives?
6. ON #5: The ads for "feminine hygiene" about your cootch smelling like dootch...do you realize in 100 years when the future generations look back at this period of time, they are going to look at women as stinky, nasty smelling, bleeding, nasty beings? Can we PLEASE cease & desist with that particular form of nasty during my dinner?!?!
7. On # 5 & #6 continued: in the 70's they used to show jock itch commercials during dinner - there was some kind of letter writing campaign that took them off TV. Can we NOT do THAT for douche commercials... PLEASE?
8.  "Sex Box" TV show: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME WITH THAT SHIT? How desperate are these people to get on TV that they'll have sex in a box with some armchair psychologists helping them with their sex problems? Can you REALLY have sex problems if you have NO problem having sex in a box, in front of an audience?
9. Speaking of the audience for "Sex Box" what the HELL kind of sick ass life do you have that you WANT to be in that audience when you can just watch porn at home for free?
10. Those stickers on the back of your car indicating your family & children, then a logo/sticker from the school they go to or one saying "My child is an honor student at...." etc. (btw who's child ISN'T these days) are a GPS, a map and an invitation to a pedophile. Are you fucking kidding me? THEN you'll be all over the news crying and not understanding why little Susie Q is missing. It's because you ADVERTISED the sex of your children, where they go to school, and posted on FB that you're at the park with the children. DUMBASS DEGREE: EARNED

 

For all complaints regarding my post today, please call:

1-800-FUC-KYOU

 

and FINALLY - THIS is what you can kiss if you don't LIKE my Blog:

it's my dog Shadow's ASS

 

Sugar Babies versus Girlfriends/Wives

On yesterday's episode of Dr. Phil,

he had a girl on the show who was a "sugar baby" -

 

 

Dr. Phil: "I never thought of dating as a monetary transaction"

 

Really? So let's discuss this Dr. Phil!

1. Really ? Because a girlfriend/wife gets
2. If you're having dinner with a guy and he buys; he's paying for your company by paying for that meal. 
3. If a guy buys a gal a gift for going as his date to the office party; he's paying for your company
4. If he buys the drink/coffee on a date; he's paying for your time.
5. When a husband buys a car for his wife; he's paying monthly for an extended period of your companionship
6. If a date buys the girl flowers for the date; he's paying for your company (if he didn't steal the flowers)
7. If a guy buys a girl an engagement ring; he's buying your company for the future or investing on your future with him
8. If a guy bought his girl something nice and she thanks him with sex; an exchange of goods and services has occurred.
9. A stay at home mom/wife exchanges services for goods; living expenses, cars, food, etc.
10. So there are in fact monetary/in-kind exchanges for 'goods & services' in relationships - take THAT Dr. Phil!

 

 

 

 

 

Kim KarTRASHian did NOT invent - ANYTHING

The KARDASHIANS

I know, you're thinking ONLY 10 thoughts on this? NO I have a million but I'm going to keep it to 10 because I don't want to waste that much time even considering them....

The entire family (except of course for Bruce) will always owe their "fame" to Kim doing porn. I have NO PROBLEM with porn, don't get me wrong, I have many friends who are hugely famous from doing it in the 70's/80's - however she DENIED doing it, then made tons of dough off it and then MADE ANOTHER ONE so don't get it twisted

1. She recently claimed she invented the selfie! REALLY BITCH? Because people have been taking photos of themselves since the camera was first invented. I turned my instamatic camera around on myself in 1970 when I cut my finger & needed stitches...but even I DIDN'T invent the damn selfie.
2. That ASS: listen bitch - I had that ASS since I was a teenager only it wasn't "cool". We called it the "Schultz Ass" & I got called "wide load", Thunder Thighs & fat ass being BULLIED for my sizeable but muscular ass...sorry honey but your ass is just JIGGLY FAT - get over yourself AND your oversized caboose!
3.  Anywhere but Hollywood, Kris Kardashian would be called a PIMP not a "momager"! All she does is pimp her children out in the nude with all their bits & pieces all over the internet, in magazines & on Television. Therefore you are NOT a manager - you are a fucking PIMP
4.  You  all rode on the coattails of an internationally known, Olympic champion (Bruce Jenner) UNTIL your daughter did a 'home porn' movie with Ray J. Oh yeah I covered that in #1 - forgive me if I repeat myself.
5.  PLEASE do the entire world a favor and STOP showing your privates all over the world and doing so claiming you "broke" the internet! At this point there ain't nobody in the whole world who hasn't seen all of your business & NOBODY wants to see it anymore!
6.  She'll probably take credit for inventing UGGS too but ya DIDN'T BITCH - I DID in 1987 starring in a movie called Robot Holocaust, a cult B sci-fi movie, see photos below for proof that I AM THE ONE WHO got the ball rolling on THAT trend!
7.  
8.  
9.  

Basically all you're getting is 7 out of 10 on this particular topic because I not only have a massive migraine from writing it but I feel that with EACH number I'm losing 10 IQ points - pathetic!

There's a group of celebrities from one of the fundraiser tennis tourneys
I did in the late 90's. I'm center in the blue/red jacket with red hair &
BRUCE JENNER is above my left shoulder.

as I appeared on the infamous Page Six of the New York Post

notice the original UGGS

   

Playgrounds of the 60's: For love & danger!

A dear old friend of mine posted this

fantastic link to her facebook page this morning.

I'm going to take this title to MORE reasons children

of the 70's should all be dead - including me.

This is the Playground Edition & there will be more installments

addressing growing up in the 60's & 70's and

my view on loving living during that time!

(Thank you Robin Moody-Schmidt)

1. I remember the playground at Tillson Elementary School (Tillson, NY) very well.  There were 2 slides: a smaller one (the one nobody but the Kindergarteners & 1st graders would use) and the big, high, dangerous one - everyone used because of the peer pressure to face the demon.
2. I was NEVER one to shy away from the danger - ever. While I was a very girly girl in frilly dresses, I was also a voracious tomboy who loved climbing trees, riding horses, dirt bikes & playing the "ring & run" in the neighborhood. Therefore when it came to the playground, I was ALL IN!! There was no better feeling than sliding down that massive metal slide in the hot sun, in my pretty little dresses feeling & hearing the squeaking as I slid down, burning the hell out of the cheeks of my little ass! The slide is certainly not the ONLY thing that I've outgrown over the years but my ass, yes, I've outgrown my ASS - but I digress. The feeling that I kept up with the boys in their long pants, gave me great satisfaction back then & frankly I can still feel & hear that squeaking!
3. The "jungle gym" didn't consist of much but a lot of metal making up a few things like monkey bars, that should have been called "suicide alley". All metal pipes sitting on top of blacktop! That's right, blacktop! Not some cute little safe, squishy rubber to protect your little noggins but the hard, rocky stuff that covers the ROAD!
4. The swing set was probably the most dangerous apparatus on the property though. It was extremely high, or so it seemed in the 60's & was just metal seats held on with massive chain link, attached to a structure of, yep you guessed it, metal!  We would get the other kids to push us so hard that the challenge was to see how high we could go. These heights were massive as a kid. I was always the one to grab a spot on one of the high swings & get anyone to push me.  The dream was to go all the way around & I did exactly that at least once. 
5. Another of the fun suicidal games we played on the swings was go as high as you can, out as far as you could & JUMP! Yes JUMP onto blacktop! I LOVED doing that because it made me feel like I could fly! If you went high enough you landed in the messed up grass/dirt beyond the blacktop & wouldn't get as many cuts & bruises.
6. My compatriots of the era will feel the pain in their fingers when I describe the many blood blisters on our hands & fingers from getting caught in those enormous chains. Yes, I went there. OUCH.
7. The chains on the swings would get kinked up, especially when we had our friends turn us until the chain was twisted all the way to the top then in one push, get us going the OTHER way. My trick to surviving (& LOVING) this particular game, was to put my head down & close my eyes, that way  I wouldn't fall flat on my ass in front of my peers after surviving with all 10 fingers....barely.
8. Every piece of this playground was a first come, first served kind of deal. It required great amounts of pushing & shoving, and yes crying, to grab your opportunity of nearly killing yourself, with the help of your friends.
9. I spent a great deal of my childhood with band aids & mercurochrome (yes I KNOW my readers of the same age will know that word well) on my knees & elbows. Badges of honor I call them!
10. All of this went on with our teachers chatting or smoking over by the trees, barely watching or even cheering us on.

Reminiscing about these fantastic & memorable times has me singing "Hey Momma Welcome to the Sixties" from Hairspray!

* Welcome to the 60's where 3 year old boys got guns for Christmas! *

That's my family & I'm the curly haired cutie

giving some major "resting bitch face"!

* The 60's when boys wore TIES   *

Original article from which I gained my inspiration:

8 Reasons Children of the 70's Should Be Dead