You Sir, Are a JACKASS

You sir (or Madame) are a jackass

(part one)

1. If you go on a talk show & brag about your illegal activities & wonder why the cops showed up at your house: You sir, are a jackass!
2. If you try to beat that red light, miss it and get t-boned by a semi: You sir, are a jackass!
3. If you pour rubbing alcohol on your body, light it up & get burned: You sir, are a jackass!
4. If you take nudie pics of your privates or your "junk" & you get hacked and act all surprised: You sir, are a jackass!
5. If you are walking & texting and are shocked when someone calls you every name in the book for being a douchebag,  You sir, are a jackass!
6. If you post your shit all over Facebook & are then surprised when someone nails your lying ass for your stupidity of thinking nobody would find OUT: You sir, are a jackass!
7. If you're on an airplane & kick the seat in front of you then act all surprised when that same person uses all their body weight & strength to slam that seat backwards into your knee: You sir, are a jackass! 
8. If you have sex without protection & are then shocked when someone gets knocked up, You sir, are a jackass! 
9. If you  put yourself on reality TV, slapping & talking smack about other people and act shocked when they talk the same right back at you: You sir, are a jackass! 
10. If you doubt the things I say are true or better yet call me a liar, you bitch need to get to steppin cuz I'm gonna put a 6" steel stiletto up your ASS in 3, 2, NOW 

 

Did you somehow DOUBT I ACTUALLY

had said shoes to shove up your ass?

I thought so!

 

20 Little-Known Facts About Me

TWENTY little known facts about me...

 

Me at age 4 (1966)

 

1. I was born and raised on an old asparagus farm that my grandfather and father built & the concrete for the Brooklyn Bridge was made and transported on an old train track behind my house. It was the largest asparagus farm on the east coast! If you ate asparagus up until about 1959, you got it from our farm.
2. Started ballet at age 4 & remember my black leotard, pink tights & little pink ballet shoes like it was yesterday. I started tap not too long after that & still remember the first steps I was taught & can picture it like it was yesterday. Classes were at Tillson Elementary school at that time & it was great!
3. Began taking Judo when I was 10, got my black belt and won the Gold Medal in the Jr. Nationals & Bronze medal in the Jr. Olympics, with girls much older than me. 
4. Did the same with swimming...but got a gold, silver & bronze in the Jr. Olympics: my specialty was the butterfly stroke!
5. Started Schuplattling  (think Oktoberfest) at age 8, was fluent in German most of my life and can still read it. I even read the Book of Mormon (when I was LDS) in German
6. Was the tallest girl next to Linda Mandic (heck tallest anyone) in Elementary School.
7.  Ride a 700 lb motorcycle back brace and all
8.  I LOVE to cook! I make my own pasta & gravy from scratch and I can even make SUSHI
9.  he first role I ever played was as a snowflake as a kindergartener in the school winter program with all my little girlfriends
10.  I lost my hearing due to severe ear infections starting as a child and bottoming out in my 20's. I consider sign equivalent to English as my first language.
11.  I was a professor at NYU of ASL for a few years in NYC.
12.  I have 2 PhD's considering my high school teachers & guidance counselor said i was 'stupid' I think I'd kind of wanna ask THEIR IQ at this point! (all after a G E D!)
13.  I still hold the record for the highest score on the NYS GED test...a 99. Then again, I took it the DAY after the last day of school... so not that much of an accomplishment compared to those like my aunt, who hadn't been in school in about 15 years or more.
14. Started my BA 2 months shy of turning 30 (January 1992) & finished in one year - 4 quarters!
15. I attended the American Academy of Dramatic Arts in NYC.
16. I've traveled A LOT- RV x the US 4 x (including all of Canada), Rio, Mexico, all over - usually by myself. One summer I travelled 9 THOUSAND miles in 3 months, hitting every state in the lower 48 and every province of Canada, in a 1972 Pace Arrow.
17. My dream was to be on Broadway
18. Have experienced some very interesting things I'd never want to experience again but they were fun then....
19.  I'm ambidextrous
20.  I have played the following instruments: Guitar, clarinet, French horn, trombone, trumpet, violin, 2 level organ & a few more I have an electric piano but have never taken lessons and can't play it because only with piano am I terribly uncoordinated with my left hand.

Grandma Delora sitting on my motorcycle

 

 Me Schupplattling sometime in the 2000's

 An article about a play I was in locally when I was about 18-19

Tillson Elementary School - my old alma mater - I LOVED this place

Kim KarTRASHian did NOT invent - ANYTHING

The KARDASHIANS

I know, you're thinking ONLY 10 thoughts on this? NO I have a million but I'm going to keep it to 10 because I don't want to waste that much time even considering them....

The entire family (except of course for Bruce) will always owe their "fame" to Kim doing porn. I have NO PROBLEM with porn, don't get me wrong, I have many friends who are hugely famous from doing it in the 70's/80's - however she DENIED doing it, then made tons of dough off it and then MADE ANOTHER ONE so don't get it twisted

1. She recently claimed she invented the selfie! REALLY BITCH? Because people have been taking photos of themselves since the camera was first invented. I turned my instamatic camera around on myself in 1970 when I cut my finger & needed stitches...but even I DIDN'T invent the damn selfie.
2. That ASS: listen bitch - I had that ASS since I was a teenager only it wasn't "cool". We called it the "Schultz Ass" & I got called "wide load", Thunder Thighs & fat ass being BULLIED for my sizeable but muscular ass...sorry honey but your ass is just JIGGLY FAT - get over yourself AND your oversized caboose!
3.  Anywhere but Hollywood, Kris Kardashian would be called a PIMP not a "momager"! All she does is pimp her children out in the nude with all their bits & pieces all over the internet, in magazines & on Television. Therefore you are NOT a manager - you are a fucking PIMP
4.  You  all rode on the coattails of an internationally known, Olympic champion (Bruce Jenner) UNTIL your daughter did a 'home porn' movie with Ray J. Oh yeah I covered that in #1 - forgive me if I repeat myself.
5.  PLEASE do the entire world a favor and STOP showing your privates all over the world and doing so claiming you "broke" the internet! At this point there ain't nobody in the whole world who hasn't seen all of your business & NOBODY wants to see it anymore!
6.  She'll probably take credit for inventing UGGS too but ya DIDN'T BITCH - I DID in 1987 starring in a movie called Robot Holocaust, a cult B sci-fi movie, see photos below for proof that I AM THE ONE WHO got the ball rolling on THAT trend!
7.  
8.  
9.  

Basically all you're getting is 7 out of 10 on this particular topic because I not only have a massive migraine from writing it but I feel that with EACH number I'm losing 10 IQ points - pathetic!

There's a group of celebrities from one of the fundraiser tennis tourneys
I did in the late 90's. I'm center in the blue/red jacket with red hair &
BRUCE JENNER is above my left shoulder.

as I appeared on the infamous Page Six of the New York Post

notice the original UGGS

   

The Facebook Diaries Part 1

Welcome to today's installment of "LATJ". Today I'm addressing

Facebook & 10 of the things that aggravate me about it all.

I know what you're thinking: "just ONE installment?"

Trust that this will definitely NOT be the only one.

I have a stinking feeling there will be many parts to the

Facebook Diaries. 

1. Seriously? You have to LIVE your life on Facebook???  How about be IN the MOMENT & just LIVE & post a collage to FB later?
2. I know I'm going to sound like the old men when I was a kid with the "we walked 20 miles to a 1-room schoolhouse, barefoot, in the snow, without lunch and then had to come home and herd cattle and milk the cows" but HONESTLY: I came from a generation of playing outside, there were no video games, only about 3 channels on TV, you wouldn't even THINK about being inside on a nice day, or any day for that matter because you could always find some puddle to jump in. We didn't live with our phones to our face heck we didn't even have machines, call waiting or touch tone phones back then. We carried quarters in case of an emergency & didn't need to worry about updating our status on the internet.
3. I JUST figured out (well barely) the "ticker" thing on the right side of the screen. What the HELL! I can see all of your business: what you like, what you say & who you friend. Which MEANS: you can see all the same of ME! I am NOT having this shit of people minding my fucking business! Who the HELL thought this was a good idea and is ok with it?  WHAT in the name of all that is good and holy in the world is UP WITH THAT.
4. Put your damn cell phones down!! Stop "face timing", "tindering", 'pinning", "tweeting" & whatever you do & have some face to face time with whomever you're with so that when they look AT you, you're not looking down at your fucking cell phone.
5. Myself or anyone else doesn't really have the need to know when you have your period, got laid, had a fight with someone, ate dinner, were constipated or anything else that is usually categorized as part of your "private life".
6. STOP abbreviating! Words are words for a reason & all the stupid abbreviations like the one that annoys me the most "bae" need to STOP! We're raising a generation of illiterates. (I will address the "me" generation in another episode of LATJ). For crying out LOUD your smart phone or computer will give you a red squiggly line under a misspelled word so WHY is your English SO BAD? On that note do you realize that "ain't" is NOT an actual WORD but it will be in your auto correct - go ahead & check it out! YGBKM
7. THIS is how we updated OUR status in the "old days" : bicycling or walking to our friends house, yelling across the yard, building a snowman, playing "king of the hill" on the dirt or simply dialing our rotary phones & seeing if our friend could come out & play.
8. "top stories" versus "most recent": who the FUCK decides what's a "top story"? I should decide what's a top story!
9. "trending": you DO know that in terms of celebrity stories "trending", you do know that those people have people who may even have their own people in a room somewhere with a million computers, phones & iPads who are MAKING that shit trend right? Don't buy into the hype!
10. "check in" or "location tagging": I NEVER do this & don't appreciate if someone else takes the liberty to tag me somewhere. It's nobody's damn business where I am or where I've been unless I TELL THEM. Moreover, why do YOU want people to know you've been to church (don't get me started) or the gym. Do you know this has been a proven way for robbers to know you're not home, where your car is parked, what you're doing & where your CHILDREN are? (I will address the children on FB issues in another post as well.)  

(c) Jennifer Delora 2015